


Ameliorate

by lou2



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bitterness, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Regret, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 08:19:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16343243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lou2/pseuds/lou2
Summary: -When Rangiku’s drunk and angry, she philosophizes, and when Shuuhei sits down beside her, he takes the brunt of it.Takes places shortly after Aizen and Company flee Soul Society-





	Ameliorate

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to LJ March 2009
> 
> Originally written for Bleach contest with the prompt word - Tenth Division
> 
> I have not read the last Bleach arc, so I have no idea if this could still fit into canon, but at the time I wrote this, I thought it could.

Maybe getting drunk wasn’t the answer. It obviously hadn’t helped the previous three nights, sitting around with Kira and bemoaning the loss of Gin together. Rangiku just wanted the pain to go away, even if it took too much sake and a killer hangover to lend some relief to her battered heart.

She’d loved Gin. Rangiku could admit that in her heart. The man had evoked a strange combination of fear, admiration, and love in her. She almost regretted not holding on when he was swept up into the sky. Almost.

Rangiku had no true illusions about his character, at least not anymore. They had never been exclusive. In truth, she’d never asked for Gin’s faithfulness because she recognized any promise he made would have been false. It was easier to deal with him on an even footing, far better than deceiving herself into believing such obvious lies.

Gin had been a master at deception and misdirection in their Rukongai days, for which she would be eternally grateful. She had been hopeless at lying and stealing the things she needed to survive. In finding her, Gin had saved her life.

At first, she thought Gin was proficient at duplicity as a necessity to keep them alive. Rangiku soon found out that even in the academy, where every need had been met, those same manipulations, and prevarications were not put aside. It was as if he couldn’t be anyone else after living so long in Rukongai.

When Gin was accepted into the Fifth Division under Lieutenant Aizen, Rangiku had breathed a sigh of relief. Gin would finally be accountable to a noble, trustworthy, and gentle man who could teach him to master and subdue his darker nature. Oh, how wrong she had been. How naïve.

She’d seen changes in Gin when he began working under Aizen, and even more when he became lieutenant of the fifth. However, the darkness that constantly seemed to surround him, never disappeared, it seemed only to be concentrated and better hidden. She tried to deny those perceptions in light of other constants. Gin still made love to her with equal parts passion and indifference, and she in turn still wondered how she ever allowed herself to be treated that way.

Even when he was promoted to captain, Rangiku’s feelings of unease were never completely banished. They were just pushed underground. When Gin also took Kira as a lover, she simply brushed it off as Gin’s need for something she couldn’t give him. When she found out the nature of their relationship, she simply passed it off as Gin fulfilling a special need for Kira.

Rangiku told herself many things over the years. All of them lies. Never in her wildest dreams, though, had she considered him capable of traitorous actions of such epic proportions. Nevertheless, when it had come right down to it, she had held her zanpakutou to his throat with the keen knowledge that he had never been a nice man. Yet, despite his treachery, her love for him remained. Even now, Rangiku wondered what would have become of her if she’d hung on to Gin, rather than jumping back.

Downing her third bottle of sake, she knew these reminiscences were only making things worse. She feared she’d never have an answer for Gin’s actions, if there even were one.

“S’up, Rangiku-san?”

Rangiku turned bleary eyes to the man who sat down next to her. “Shuuhei? Is that you?”

“Wow Rangiku-san, you really have been here a while.”

“Shut it, no one asked for your opinion,” Rangiku groused.

“Yeah, I know. It’s not as if my opinion matters for anything anymore anyway.”

Rangiku snorted. “Hey, that was alliteration. You’re definitely not drunk enough.” Waving over the bartender, she ordered two more bottles.

“You didn’t have to do that you know. I can still afford my own sake.”

“Might want to save your money. We could all be court marshalled tomorrow.” Rangiku set her newly filled sake dish down and leaned her face into her palms.

“They aren’t going to court marshall you. You weren’t involved with the Capt… traitors escape. By all accounts you tried to stop it, as did I.”

“How can you still be so naïve after all these years?” Rangiku raised her head and glared at Shuuhei, as her sluggish thoughts tried hard to restart.

“Look Rangiku-san, if you’re just going to insult me, I’ll go. I sat down because I thought you might want someone to talk to.”

Gods he looked sincere. When was the last time she’d looked into sincerity? Oh yeah, this morning when her captain had graciously kicked her off the floor and out of his office. At least it meant getting out of doing paperwork.

“Everyone knows Gin and I have been lovers off and on since the Academy. There is no way I’m getting out of this unscathed.” Eyes squinting, Rangiku stared at the Ninth Division Lieutenant until he started to squirm. “You don’t honestly think you’ll get to keep your rank, do you?”

Oh the shock! It was painted as clear as day across his face. She wanted to laugh, but it was just too depressing. Rangiku didn’t realize they made them that unsullied in Seireitei anymore.

“What the hell are you talking about? No one’s said anything about a demotion.”

“Demotion? Hell sweetie, you’ll be lucky if that’s all it is. You weren’t around a hundred years ago, but the man who first accused Aizen of betrayal was sentenced to death, then exile when they couldn’t find him to kill him. You really think they’re going to let us off with a slap on the wrist?”

“Well no, but—”

“No buts about it, we’re screwed. Aizen did everything for a reason. Just look at what he did to Hinamori and the elaborate scheme he devised. You really think you, or Kira, or Hinamori were given your jobs by accident?”

“I never—”

“Of course you never. You sat down beside me thinking you might get a nice drunken roll with me, or at the very least cop a feel,” Rangiku stated with more vitriol than intended, breasts thrust forward for emphasis. She immediately regretted the action, but refused to retract her words.

“Matsumoto!”

“Oh my gods! You’re even too innocent to have thought that far ahead. Where did they find you? How have you kept your innocence, let alone your sanity in this place?” She’d always thought highly of Shuuhei, but even this much decency couldn’t be real. Could it?

“Rangiku-san, maybe I should take you home—”

“Shuuhei? Don’t you think the powers that be are going to be asking you why? How?” Rangiku swirled the sake in her dish and watched the light catch it. How could he not understand the reality of their tenuous situation? What would it take to make him see?

“What do you mean?”

“How could you not know? Cap- Tousen was your captain. Presumably you worked closely with him, even if you weren’t his type.” Even to herself, Rangiku admitted that was perhaps over the top. They didn’t all have to have sex with the traitors to be manipulated by them. Maybe Gin had rubbed off on her more profoundly than she’d thought, or maybe she was just more bitter than she’d thought.

“Rangiku-san! Really that’s unnecess—”

“No it’s not.” She had to make him see. As nice as he was, Rangiku couldn’t let him go into that courtroom tomorrow without some idea of the horrifying questions they would ask. “Someone’s going to ask that, you know. Nothing you’ve ever done will be private, ever again. Nothing will be off limits when they ask you questions. You’re going to be required to answer and if they think you’re lying, there won’t be any gods left that can help you.”

“You don’t really think they’ll ask—”

“Of course they will. I’ll have to tell them that I loved Gin,” which she desperately didn’t want to confirm, “though, presumably they already suspect. I’ll have to tell them we were lovers and that never once in all the years we were together did he say he loved me back.” Why had she ever loved that bastard? “I don’t want to tell them that sometimes Gin got rough, and that I was actually happy when he took Kira as a lover too, because he no longer asked me to satisfy some of his more perverted requests.” Staring into the continuing swirl of the sake was mesmerizing, and somehow let the hurtful words flow easier.

“Rangiku-san, you don’t have to—”

“Yes I do, because if I say it once here, to you, maybe it will be easier tomorrow, when they make me bare my soul and lose the respect of my captain and all the rest.” Knocking back the sake in one gulp, Rangiku smacked the dish back down on the bar. She was so deluding herself.

“Maybe we should take a walk then.”

Glancing to the side, she noticed Shuuhei had hardly touched his drink. “I can’t. Walk that is. I’m fairly certain as soon as I stand up I’m going to pass out.” A moderate lie, but she really didn’t feel like leaving just yet. As hard as it was to talk about, she liked knowing Shuuhei listened and never once condemned her for anything she’d said.

“Let me take you home then.”

Pouring more sake, it was as if the words were demanding release, as she continued, “But what I want more than anything… is for them to believe me when I say, I didn’t know. I knew Gin wasn’t a good man, but I didn’t know he was a bad man.” The single tear slid slowly down Rangiku’s cheek and she fervently hoped it would be the only one she ever shed for him.

“Rangiku-san, please let me take you home, or if you’d rather, I’ll call your captain, or even Lieutenant Ise.”

Oh and wouldn’t that be a joy. “No! Hell no! All I’d get from either of them is a lecture and a worse headache.” She looked at Shuuhei’s scars and tattoos and stared for a moment. The sake had loosened her tongue enough not to stop the thought from leaving her mouth. “What color are your eyes? I don’t think I ever noticed. Your face is so striking with the tattoos and the scars.” Wanting to touch his scars, Rangiku’s hand raised briefly of its own accord before she clamped it down on her sake bottle. “Why didn’t you ever let someone heal those properly for you? I know you got them in the Academy, but even students have rights to proper healing.”

Rangiku watched the indecision play across Shuuhei’s face. She decided it was just one more reason to find this man endearing.

“I don’t suppose it matters if I tell you or not, you’re never going to remember anything in the morning.”

As Shuuhei looked down into his sake dish, she just harrumphed. There was no way Rangiku was going to tell him that four bottles of sake wasn’t even close to being enough, these days, to cloud the morning after memories.

“A lot of cadets died that day. I should have died that day. It was Hinamori’s idea, but Renji and Kira went along with her. She was a force to be reckoned with back in those days. I always wondered… why she transformed into a wilting flower under a captain as progressive, and kind as Aizen. Although, I suppose I have my answer about that now, as well.”

Rangiku just grunted in agreement. She’d never really known Hinamori until she was already Aizen’s doormat. At the time, it hadn’t seemed strange, because everyone could see how gentle and caring Aizen was to all his subordinates. Who wouldn’t follow that in blindness? Hell, Gin had never shown that much care and she’d followed him nearly as blindly.

Taking a swallow of sake as if to brace himself, Shuuhei continued, “Both my best friends died that day… trying to save the underclassmen. I felt I could do no less. I planned to stay until my dying breath, and do my damndest to stall that fucking hollow. Turns out, without the three of them rescuing me, my stalling time wouldn’t have amounted to squat.”

Shuuhei gulped another saucer of sake and clamped his hands on the bar. “I let them heal the eye, but not the scars. Those I kept.” His voice had dropped to a near whisper. “I kept them to remember my friends who died, the cadets who died, and the friends I made, despite my own failure.”

“You didn’t fail you know. You were set up.” Rangiku took another hit of sake and glanced over at Shuuhei again. How could he still blame himself for any of that? Especially now that they knew, how far back Aizen’s planning and experimenting had gone.

“It doesn’t change anything. The scars still remind me how grateful I should be every day I get to see them in the mirror, because there were so many souls that weren’t as lucky.”

“What about the tattoos?” Figuring she was on a roll, she might as well try to find out the most closely guarded secret in Seireitei. Why Shuuhei got those particular tattoos, on his face of all places? She’d never met anyone who knew.

Turning his face away from her, Shuuhei replied, “The answer to that is a lot more personal and a lot more private. Maybe someday I’ll tell someone, but it certainly won’t be in a bar to someone half-drunk out of her mind.”

“So… not as sweet and naïve as one would be led to believe, at first glance. I should be used to that by now. No one is who they seem to be.” Rangiku scowled at the back of Shuuhei’s head. “Apparently even you.” She realized the hypocrisy of that statement, especially given how heartfelt his recount of the painful events was. Plus, his steadfast acceptance of the blame for the loss of life. Rangiku was being too harsh, but she knew it would be a while before she could take anything at face value again.

Shuuhei returned his gaze to the sake before speaking. “Well, for the most part, what you see is what you get with me. I’ve never been a good liar, but I can keep a secret for eternity if I have to.” Shuuhei faced her fully for the first time since he’d come into the bar. What she saw there was at once flattering and confusing. As if, he was enamored and disgusted with her at the same time. What an odd and honest combination. The sincerity of Shuuhei’s feelings dissipated the swirling anger that her reminiscences of Gin had churned up.

“Let me take you home Rangiku-san. We will both have a long day tomorrow in front of the tribunal. It’s still early enough to get a good night’s sleep and get past the hangover before the meeting.”

He held out his hand to her and for the first time in the life she could remember, she wanted desperately to connect with a man that wasn’t Gin. She stared at his hand for longer than was courteous, but he didn’t seem to mind, and he didn’t seem embarrassed about possibly being snubbed and left hanging.

“My eyes are black by the way, or at least so dark brown they seem black, I never could decide.”

And still, he sat with his hand out making no move to retract it. How had he come out of this whole ordeal with optimism? Because optimism is what it was. No one but Gin, and on very rare occasions Captain Kyouraku, ever walked her home. Mostly she walked alone and preferred it that way.

Her connection to Shuuhei, though, seemed to be growing, given the almost uncontrollable urge to take his hand. She hopped down from the bar stool and swayed. Briefly grabbing her elbow, Shuuhei helped hold her upright. However, as soon as Rangiku seemed steady again, he let go. He then returned his hand open palm up, to the air in front of her, silently asking her to trust again.

“Maybe one of these days I’ll get close enough to determine your eye color on my own, Shuuhei.” She stared at his outstretched hand a minute more before looping her elbow with his. She wasn’t quite ready to take anyone’s hand just yet, but she was ready to start looking ahead again. Rangiku thought she’d finally had enough wallowing in self-pity and ancient delusions. Maybe she’d finally come to a point where she could shake the venom that Gin seemed to have poisoned her with.

“Thank you for the honor Rangiku-san.”

As they left the bar arm in arm, she studied Shuuhei as surreptitiously as she could. “Pfft, just Rangiku will do fine. It’s the least you deserve after listening to all that... bitterness. We’re both still lieutenants, at least for the rest of today, Shuu-chan.” Using such a diminutive was probably too familiar even for her, but she just couldn’t quite help herself.

Shuuhei gave a quiet chuckle. “We’ll be tomorrow night as well. You’ll see, Rangiku.”

“I’ll take that bet. If we’re not all still lieutenants tomorrow, but we’re still alive and have jobs, you get to do whatever meaningless paperwork they demote me to… for a whole week.”

“Agreed. What do I get if we both get to keep our jobs?”

Rangiku narrowed her eyes and glared. A test. What would he ask for if she gave him free reign? “What do you want? I’m good for it. A week’s worth of Captain Kyouraku’s best sake? Your paperwork for a week? Though I warn you, I’m a bit out of practice with that, so I can’t promise it would be up to your exacting standards—”

“A date.”

Hoping her momentary stumble would be passed off on her alcohol intake, she asked as if she hadn’t heard him. “Excuse me?”

“I said, a date. I want one date with you. Nothing fancy. Just dinner, one drink afterwards and I will walk you home. I won’t even ask for a kiss. Just a simple date.”

“Fine, it’s not as if you’ll win anyway. There is no way Kira is keeping his job after tomorrow.” She was incredibly impressed with his choice, though. Most men would have asked for much more physically and probably emotionally as well. He completely baffled her, but it in a good way.

“The hell? Kira wasn’t part of the bet.”

“Ah, you should be more observant and listen more closely before agreeing to anything, especially with me Shuu-chan. A master taught me deception, and nuances of phrase. I said, ‘If we’re not ALL still lieutenants tomorrow.’ You should have listened more closely. Although, if you feel you have been cheated in any way, we can retract the bet.” Even before he replied, Rangiku could tell Shuuhei wasn’t going to renege on the bet. Maybe he felt he had something to prove, and truthfully, maybe they all did.

“No, no. I still think I’ll win. We’ll keep the bet.”

“How can you possibly be that confident? No one thinks Kira’s going to be keeping his job. He wasn’t just unobservant or a bit negligent. He was culpable in helping Gin and Aizen carry out their plans.” Why had Rangiku deliberately left Tousen’s name out? She hadn’t pulled any other punches tonight. Maybe she just didn’t want to destroy the camaraderie, or maybe she couldn’t bear to see Shuuhei fall into the misery she seemed to be pulling herself out of.

Shuuhei said sadly, “Kira was as much a victim as the rest of us. He was manipulated and coerced for so long he didn’t even know how to disobey an order. It was probably the reason he had that type of relationship with Gin. After enough years of being broken, a pet will do anything to please its master, even things that he knows are wrong. Kira didn’t have the ability to disobey. I’m surprised he managed to go as far as warning Captain Hitsugaya. It probably broke something inside him to do even that much.”

She did pity Kira. She’d shared drinks with him enough over the past few days to know how terrified and horrified he was by what he’d done. She just hoped that broken piece inside him was a clean break from Gin. He’d be stronger for it. Still, it didn’t mean the powers that be were going to grant Kira mercy. “I’d say you were just stupid drunk, but I know you didn’t drink that much. I think you’re dreaming, though.”

Unlooping her arm from his, Shuuhei took her hand briefly in his before letting go directly in front of her door. His company had been so pleasant and the discussion so distracting she’d had no idea that they’d even crossed into the Tenth Division compound, let alone arrived at her door.

“You really should drink less and listen to all the gossip like you used to Rangiku.” With more light, she would swear Shuuhei had a twinkle in his eyes. “If you did, you’d know that Captain Kuchiki, Captain Kyouraku, and Captain Ukitake are petitioning to keep all of us in our jobs with minor oversight by another captain. Captain Hitsugaya has already agreed to monitor the Fifth Division. Captain Ukitake will probably monitor the Third Division and unless I miss my guess, Captain Kuchiki will be overseeing me. You’ll probably just be given some extra paperwork as an annoyance.”

Rangiku could almost swear she’d heard him snicker at his last statement. She almost couldn’t blame him, though. Her avoidance of paperwork was becoming nearly as legendary as Captain Kyouraku’s.

“I look forward to our date tomorrow night. You can dress as casual or fancy as you like. I have a couple of different places in mind and will choose one depending on what you decide to wear.”

Shuuhei bent at the waist and took her hand in close for a gentle kiss. She was oddly touched by the sweetness of it. “I will see you at the meeting tomorrow,” he murmured against the skin of her knuckles before straightening. “And again tomorrow night. I will try and make it a memorable date, just in case it’s the only one I ever get.”

She could see his gentle smile clearly. He really should smile more, it made his serious countenance seem very boyish and charming despite the severity of the scars and tattoos. It was the wink that truly shocked her, though. Rangiku could not remember the last time she had been played so well, and enjoyed it so much.

Before she could even begin forming a reply, Shuuhei had shunpo away, leaving a light swirl of dust in his wake. Not honest and naïve to a fault, and yet not truly devious either. Rangiku thought, just maybe, she could work with that.

 

 

\--Back in the Bar--

 

Yumichika: I bet you he’s making sweet beautiful love to her before the week is out.

Ikkaku: *snort* Are you kidding? Every man in Seireitei has been trying to crack that barrier for a hundred years. She’s not going to give it up that easy.

Yumichika: You are a heathen and fail to understand the complexities of the female mind.

Ikkaku: Che… Whatever. I’ll take your bet.

Yumichika: What should we bet?

Ikkaku: The loser has to give Yachiru her bath for two weeks.

Yumichika: *sigh* That’s so unromantic.

Ikkaku: Fine you pick then. I know that’s why you let me choose first anyway.

Yumichika: Hm… Perhaps I am becoming too predictable.

Ikkaku: *panics* NO! No, not at all. It was just a lucky guess, we don’t need any changes, we’re good.

Yumichika: No, perhaps a change is in order. How about, the winner gets as he chooses, top, or bottom… for a whole week?

Ikkaku: *splutters* What? Why? I like our arrangement.

Yumichika: Good! It’s settled then.

Ikkaku: *grumbles* Every time something changes…. It won’t matter if I win the bet; I’m still gonna lose no matter what I pick.

Yumichika: *smiles*

**Author's Note:**

> If you happened to read this and liked it, a kudos would be happily appreciated.
> 
> Comments are wonderful, but completely unnecessary.


End file.
